In this post: Clean rewrites of the body paragraphs, sentence frames for each paragraph, a five-minute proofreading order, an article check, a self-check list and a short exercise.
Gap Year Band 6.5 Sample · 3 parts
- 1. Question, essay, TR and CC
- 2. Why LR and GRA stayed 6
- 3. Rewrites and proofreading routine (you are here)
✦ In this post
5. Rewrite examples: the advantages paragraph and the first disadvantage
Below are my rewrite examples. They keep the original ideas (work builds practical experience, travel improves mental health, it is hard to find good jobs) and mainly fix the vocabulary, grammar and linking, so you can see what “the same content in clean language” looks like.
Rewrite example | Advantages paragraph
Taking a gap year can benefit school leavers in two main ways. The main advantage of working for a year is that it gives young people practical experience before they begin a degree. A school leaver who works in a café or an office, for instance, learns to manage time, deal with customers and take responsibility, which are skills rarely taught in a classroom. Another benefit comes from travelling, which can improve students’ mental well-being. After years of exam pressure, spending time in places such as national parks allows them to rest and return to their studies with renewed motivation.
| What changed | Original | Rewrite |
|---|---|---|
| Use the words from the question | leaved students | school leavers / young people / students |
| Spelling | mental well-bring | mental well-being |
| Abstract → concrete | learn real-world knowledge through conducting challenges tasks | learns to manage time, deal with customers and take responsibility |
| Add the “so what” | escape from their hectic schedule | rest and return to their studies with renewed motivation |
Rewrite example | First disadvantage
However, a gap year also has drawbacks. The most significant is that school leavers often struggle to find good jobs because they lack qualifications and experience. As a result, many end up in low-paid or even unsafe positions, which may teach them little that is useful for their future careers.
What changed: “Conversely” became “As a result”, which fixes the cause-and-effect relationship; “a lack of competent professions” became “lack qualifications and experience”; and the final clause, “which may teach them little that is useful”, also responds to the “practical experience” point in the advantages paragraph, so the two sides talk to each other instead of contradicting each other.
The second disadvantage: finishing the “financial burden” point
My second disadvantage was the cost of travelling. The direction was good, but I stopped at “students do not have full-time jobs, so they cannot afford accommodation, transport and tickets”. The point is missing its “so what”: if they cannot afford it, who pays, and what effect does that have? One more step would make the point much more complete, and it would also set up the solution in the conclusion naturally.
Rewrite example | Second disadvantage
Another disadvantage is the financial burden, especially for those who choose to travel. Since most school leavers do not have a stable income, the cost of transport and accommodation often falls on their parents, or they may have to borrow money before they have even started university. This problem could be reduced if schools and governments offered more paid work programmes for gap-year students.
What changed: “those choose” gets its missing “who”; “falls on their parents” and “borrow money” spell out the “so what”; and the final sentence sets up the solution in advance, so mentioning it in the conclusion is no longer new information. The solution here is also “paid work programmes” rather than the bank loans in my original, which avoids contradicting the “financial burden” drawback.
6. Sentence frames and a proofreading routine you can take away
| Paragraph | Sentence frame |
|---|---|
| Introduction | In some countries, school leavers take a year off to work or travel before university. This essay will discuss the benefits and drawbacks of this trend, and explain why I believe it is largely positive. |
| Advantages paragraph | Taking a gap year can benefit school leavers in two main ways. The main advantage is that… Another benefit is that… |
| Disadvantages paragraph | However, a gap year also has drawbacks. The most significant is that… As a result,… Another disadvantage is that… |
| Conclusion | In conclusion, although a gap year can cause …, I believe its benefits are greater because … |
The order for a final five-minute language check
The most effective way to catch language errors is not to reread from the top but to look for one type of error at a time. This is the order I recommend:
| Step | What to look for | How |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Repeated key words | Scan once and check that the nouns you keep using are spelt correctly (in this essay: leaved, well-bring) |
| 2 | Articles | Does every singular countable noun have a / the / a possessive in front of it? |
| 3 | After “those” / “people” | When “those” is followed by a verb, is there a “who” in between? |
| 4 | Subject-verb agreement | Do this / these and it / they match the verbs that follow? |
| 5 | Linking words | Is the relationship before and after every “Conversely”, “In other words” and “However” correct? |
Looking at my score records, my GRA for Task 2 essays from late June to early July was mostly 7, occasionally 8, while this essay and the advertising essay I wrote a few days later both got 6. Language scores really can be raised with consistent checking. Unlike TR, which needs deeper thinking, they mostly need “one more look”.
Do I need an article? A three-step check
Articles are the biggest single source of GRA errors in this essay, and they are also what Taiwanese candidates most often leave out, because Chinese has no articles (the same is true for speakers of many other languages without articles). A simple way to decide is to ask three questions whenever you write a noun:
- Step 1: Is the noun countable? If it is uncountable (money, information, advice, knowledge), do not use “a”; use “the” when needed.
- Step 2: If it is countable, is it singular or plural? Plural nouns used in a general sense (jobs, students) can go without an article; a singular countable noun must have something in front of it: a / an / the / my / this.
- Step 3: Does the reader know which one you mean? If yes (it was mentioned before, or there is only one), use “the”; if not, use “a”. For example, “the younger generation” refers to a specific group, so it takes “the”.
Checking my original with these three steps: “in dangerous environment” (environment is singular and countable, so it needs “a”), “get fair salary” (salary is singular and countable, so it needs “a”), “for younger generation” (a specific group, so it needs “the”), “Additional negative consequence” (singular and countable, so it needs “an”). All four errors can be caught with these three steps.
If you only have time to fix three places
In the exam you cannot check for every kind of error. If you only have two or three minutes left when you finish, I suggest prioritising these three things, because they have the biggest effect on your score:
- Repeated key words: one error is multiplied by the number of times it appears, so fixing it once fixes several errors.
- The first sentence of each paragraph: the topic sentences are what the examiner reads first and most carefully, so errors there stand out most.
- The last sentence of the conclusion: the examiner gives a score right after reading it, so the final impression matters. Check for new information at the same time.
Together these are only about five or six sentences, which you can read in two or three minutes, and it is much more effective than quickly skimming the whole essay.
7. Self-check list and a short exercise
Self-check list
- ☐ Did I use the key noun from the question (school leavers) directly, or paraphrase it correctly?
- ☐ Have I used any word I built myself and am not sure exists?
- ☐ Are the words I repeat spelt correctly? (One error is multiplied by the number of times it appears.)
- ☐ Does every singular countable noun have an article?
- ☐ Have I left out “who” after “those”?
- ☐ Is the relationship around “Conversely” / “In other words” really a contrast / a restatement?
- ☐ Do my advantages and disadvantages contradict each other without my dealing with it?
- ☐ Does my conclusion contain any new idea not mentioned earlier?
- ☐ Did I leave at least five minutes for proofreading?
Short exercise: each sentence below has one or two errors. Try to correct them.
1. Those choose to study abroad usually need large amount of money.
Those who choose to study abroad usually need a large amount of money. (Missing “who”; missing article.)
2. The scenery in mountain area enable visitors to relax.
The scenery in mountain areas enables visitors to relax. (“area” becomes plural; the subject is “scenery”, so the verb is “enables”.)
3. Students lack experience. Conversely, they can only find low-paid jobs.
Students lack experience. As a result, they can only find low-paid jobs. (Cause and effect, not a contrast.)
4. Leaved students can broaden their horizon by travelling.
School leavers can broaden their horizons by travelling. (Invented phrase; “broaden one’s horizons” is plural.)
More from the same band
This essay is a “content 7, language 6” kind of 6.5. These are the posts that helped me most when I was at this band:
- How to check your IELTS sub-scores and read the four criteria (in Chinese): a profile of TR 7 with LR and GRA at 6 means you should work on language accuracy first.
- My successful IDP re-mark: writing from 6.5 to 7.0 (in Chinese): how I was stuck at 6.5 in writing and finally got 7.0 through a one-skill retake and a re-mark.
- Recommended online IELTS resources (in Chinese): the online resources I have collected for IELTS.
- IELTS preparation notes: overview (in Chinese)
This is the last part of “Gap Year Band 6.5 Sample”. To start again, go back to Part 1.
IELTS Notes in English · Band Score Samples (post 11 of 19)
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Task 1 Structure · Task 2 Structure · Topic Guides · Writing Language · Band Score Samples · Practice Methods · Speaking & Study Tips
✦ Target Your Future
Some days you practise for hours and the score still does not move. I hope these notes remind you that the setbacks are part of the road: every recording you replayed, every essay you rewrote and every sentence you finally dared to say is progress you have already made.
I wrote this down so the next person can take fewer detours. You do not have to follow my method exactly. Find a rhythm that works for you, rest when you need to, and come back for the next small step.
I hope what you take away is more than a number on a score report: a little more confidence in yourself, and the courage to step a bit closer to the world.
— Ting
← Back to IELTS notes in English
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