In this post: The species loss question and its type, my unedited Band 7 essay with its score card, and why Task Response reached 8 while template linkers held Coherence and Cohesion at 6.
Species Loss Band 7 Sample · 3 parts
- 1. Question, essay, TR and CC (you are here)
- 2. What was missing for 7.5
- 3. Rewrite and linking patterns
✦ In this post
This is Essay 3, a Task 2 essay I sent for marking on 23 May 2024. The question came from Cambridge IELTS 14, Test 2 (an environment topic), and my essay was 339 words long. The scores were TR 8, CC 6, LR 7 and GRA 8, for an overall Band 7.
It was the first Task 2 essay in my intensive practice period to reach 7, but the scores were very uneven: TR and GRA were both 8, while CC was only 6. A two-band gap between criteria is rare among my 50 marked essays. That makes this essay a good illustration of one point: good ideas and correct sentences do not automatically make an essay easy to read. CC measures a different skill: letting the reader follow your logic without effort.
As it happens, three days later (26 May) I wrote another Discuss both views essay (should university students study subjects other than their main subject?), and it scored 8, 6, 7, 8 with an overall 7: exactly the same profile. Seen side by side, the two essays show that CC 6 was not bad luck. It was a habit in how I wrote at the time.
The question and its type: a “comparison” version of Discuss both views
In paraphrase, the question says: some people think the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals; others think there are more important environmental problems. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
This is a Discuss both views question with a twist: the two views are really a comparison of which problem matters most. View A says species loss is the most important; view B says other problems are more important. So rather than simply presenting each view in turn, a strong answer should explain why you think one side matters more. In other words, it needs an element of comparison.
| Paragraph | What this essay does | Assessment |
|---|---|---|
| Introduction | Paraphrase of the question + position (other problems are more important) | Clear position |
| Body 1 | View A: species loss threatens humans (pollination by bees); biodiversity falls | Specific points, good example |
| Body 2 | View B: global warming (rising sea levels, extreme weather) and pollution | Relevant points, but the topic sentence drifts |
| Conclusion | Both sides have merit, but other problems matter more | Consistent position, but the reason is vague |
Score card and the original essay
The four criteria average 7.25, which gives an overall 7. If CC had reached 7, the average would have been 7.5. Below is the essay exactly as I submitted it, with no changes. At the end of the essay I also added a question for the teacher who marked it. That was not part of the essay, so I have left it out of the box and discuss it separately later on.
Original submitted version (unedited, all errors kept)
People have conflicting opinions regarding which is the most important environmental problem on this planet. While some people believe that the extinction of species is more important, I maintain that there are other important threats to our environment.
There are a variety of reasons why the extinction of some species seems to be rather dangerous. First and foremost, the extinction of species poses a threat to human life. In other words, since humans cannot survive without the help from animals and insects, it is necessary to stress the importance of species extinction. Bees, which are responsible for pollination, are good examples of this matter, since the growing of plants, vegetables, and fruits all rely on pollination by bees. Secondly, the diversity of species will decrease significantly if the extinction keeps happening, hindering sustained development. To put it another way, for the sake of maintaining the diversity in nature, people need to put more emphasis on protecting species.
Other environmental problems get more attention due to several reasons. Primarily, global warming is so imperative that should not be ignored, since it definitely poses a threat to people’s lives. A wide range of unpleasant consequences, such as rising sea levels, extreme climate, and the greenhouse effect will happen because of global warming. Even though those issues will not influence individuals directly, they make the environment unsuitable for human beings, further lowering the quality of life. Furthermore, pollution is another hot issue, which threatens a wide range of daily necessities including food, land, water, and air. To be more specific, pollution can be harmful to not only the environment but also individuals, so its importance needs to be highlighted.
In conclusion, based on the aforementioned, I believe that both sides have merits. On balance, it is my opinion that focusing on other environmental problems offers more benefits. This is because I firmly believe that other environmental problems pose more terrible threats to our planet, as I feel keeping the environment from being harmed is essential for achieving long-term success in environmental protection.
Why this essay scored 7: the four criteria one by one
What follows is my own analysis against the public IELTS band descriptors. Judging from TR 8, GRA 8 and CC 6, the content and the language were already at a high level, and CC is what held the overall score down.
| Criterion | Score | Key points of the descriptor (paraphrased) | Evidence in this essay |
|---|---|---|---|
| Task Response | 8 | Band 8: addresses all parts of the task sufficiently; presents a well-developed response with relevant, extended and supported ideas. | Two points for each view; the bee pollination example is specific; the consequences of global warming are developed; the position stays the same from start to finish. |
| Coherence & Cohesion | 6 | Band 6: arranges information coherently overall, but cohesive devices may be mechanical or faulty; reference is not always clear; progression within paragraphs is not always logical. | Nearly every sentence opens with a template linking phrase; the sentence after To be more specific is actually more general; the Body 2 topic sentence is about “attention”, not “more important”. |
| Lexical Resource | 7 | Band 7: uses less common vocabulary with some awareness of style and collocation; occasional errors. | pollination, sustained development, daily necessities, rising sea levels; but the greenhouse effect is presented as a consequence of global warming. |
| Grammatical Range & Accuracy | 8 | Band 8: a wide range of structures; the majority of sentences are error-free, with only very occasional errors. | Non-defining relative clauses, since/even though clauses, not only … but also; error: so imperative that should not be ignored (missing it). |
Task Response 8: what this essay did right
TR 8 is the most useful thing to learn from this essay. I think there are three reasons for it:
- A clear, consistent position. The introduction says I maintain that there are other important threats to our environment, and the conclusion says focusing on other environmental problems offers more benefits. There is no wavering in between.
- Specific points with a chain of cause and effect. Bees, which are responsible for pollination… since the growing of plants, vegetables, and fruits all rely on pollination by bees. This example does not just drop in a noun. It explains the chain “bees → pollination → crop growth → human food”, which makes the claim that species loss threatens humans genuinely convincing.
- Balanced coverage. Body 1 and Body 2 each have two points of similar weight, which is what “fair presentation” in a Discuss both views essay requires.
This was the third essay of my intensive marking period. My outline from the time shows my habit: list two points for each paragraph, then write one sentence of argument plus one or two sentences of development or example for each point. That approach helps TR a lot, because it forces every point to have support.
Coherence & Cohesion 6: template linkers hold the essay up, but do not really connect it
The CC 6 problems are concentrated in three places.
First, linking words are overused and mechanical. If you pull out the linker at the start of each sentence, you get: First and foremost → In other words → Secondly → To put it another way → Primarily → Furthermore → To be more specific. Seven argument sentences, seven template linkers. The Band 6 descriptor says the use of cohesive devices “may be mechanical”, and this is exactly what that looks like: the linkers are not there because the logic needs them, but because “every sentence should have one”.
Second, the linkers do not match the content that follows. This is a more serious problem than having too many:
- To put it another way, for the sake of maintaining the diversity in nature, people need to put more emphasis on protecting species. To put it another way means you are about to restate something. But the previous sentence says biodiversity will fall and hinder sustainable development, while this sentence says people need to do more to protect species. That is not a restatement; it jumps from a problem to a solution.
- To be more specific, pollution can be harmful to not only the environment but also individuals… To be more specific promises more detail, but the previous sentence had already listed food, land, water, and air. This sentence is actually more general (the environment and individuals). The linker promises “more specific”, and the content becomes more abstract.
- In other words, since humans cannot survive without the help from animals and insects… This sentence explains why species loss threatens humans (the claim in the previous sentence). It is closer to This is because than to In other words.
Third, the Body 2 topic sentence drifts. Other environmental problems get more attention due to several reasons means that other problems receive more attention for various reasons. But the question asks which problem is more important, not which one gets more attention. Attention and importance are two different things. This topic sentence lets the paragraph’s controlling idea slip away, even though the rest of the paragraph is in fact about why these problems matter more.
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✦ Target Your Future
Some days you practise for hours and the score still does not move. I hope these notes remind you that the setbacks are part of the road: every recording you replayed, every essay you rewrote and every sentence you finally dared to say is progress you have already made.
I wrote this down so the next person can take fewer detours. You do not have to follow my method exactly. Find a rhythm that works for you, rest when you need to, and come back for the next small step.
I hope what you take away is more than a number on a score report: a little more confidence in yourself, and the courage to step a bit closer to the world.
— Ting
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