In this post: How to read a two-question prompt, my original Band 6.5 essay with its score card, and why Task Response stopped at 6.
Band 6.5 Sample: Entertainers' Pay · 3 parts
- 1. Question type and original essay (you are here)
- 2. Criteria and three major problems
- 3. Rewrites, frames and self-check
✦ In this post
This is Essay 25, a Task 2 essay I submitted for marking on 14 June 2024. It was a homework question rather than a Cambridge past paper, but the format is very common in the test: first you are asked whether you agree or disagree, then you are asked a second, open question. According to my notes, I wrote it from 15:06 to 15:48, about 42 minutes, and the essay body is 336 words. The scores were TR 6, CC 6, LR 7 and GRA 7, for an overall 6.5.
Like my driverless vehicles essay, this is another “language 7, content 6” essay. But the problem here is harder to spot. Every paragraph looks as if it is answering the question, and every topic sentence repeats the key words of the prompt, yet the reasons themselves do not actually answer “are they paid too much?” This kind of off-topic writing is very hard to notice in your own work, which is why I chose this essay to write about.
1. The question and its type: two questions, two kinds of answer
In short, the question says that some people think entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians and sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? And which other types of jobs should be highly paid?
This is a two-question essay, and the two questions are different in nature:
| Question | Type | What you need to deliver | Common mistake |
|---|---|---|---|
| Q1: Entertainers are paid too much. Do you agree? | Opinion (agree/disagree) | A clear position plus reasons that support it. The reasons must be tied to “pay” and to whether it is “too much”. | The reasons discuss other problems with celebrities (image, influence) and never get to their pay. |
| Q2: Which jobs should be highly paid? | Open question | Specific types of jobs plus why they deserve high pay. | Listing many jobs at once, each with a single phrase, none developed. |
The standard structure for a two-question essay is four paragraphs: introduction, one paragraph for Q1, one paragraph for Q2, and a conclusion, with two main points in each body paragraph. The structure of my essay was actually right. The problems were in what went inside each paragraph.
2. Score card and the original essay
The four criteria average 6.5, and the overall score was 6.5. Below is the essay exactly as I submitted it, unedited:
Original submission (unedited, all errors kept)
Some individuals claim that celebrities on entertainment industries gain extremely high payment. I totally agree with this because it impacts negatively on society, and I think there are other jobs that deserve to be paid highly.
There are two reasons why I believe that entertainers should not be paid too much money. The main reason is that it distorts the values toward lives, especially makes the public overemphasize on appearance or extravagant lifestyle. Singers, models, and movie stars, who have high income to wear luxury clothing, are good examples of this matter. The value they deliver to the public and the bahaviors they conduct will pose a threat to the society. Another point supporting my idea is that it distracts younger generation from concentrating on their studies. When being aware that being famous can earn a certain amount of money, youngsters do not want to focus on their schoolwork anymore, further leading to lower labor productivity in the future.
Besides entertainers, two types of jobs need to paid highly. First and foremost, jobs require high academic qualification should undoubtedly have a relatively high salary. For instance, doctors, professors, and lawyers, which need solid training and several years’ endeavor on their realm before earning degrees, should be paid much money for their competent professions. Secondly, those workers who engage in dangerous jobs should not be ignored. Polices, firefighters, and soldiers, who conduct risky tasks to ensure the public’s safety, should be paid highly due to their possibilities to get injury or even lose their lives. In other words, it is readily apparent that it is fair for those work in dangerous jobs to get a higher payment for the purpose of motivating people to keep doing these jobs.
In conclusion, I want to reiterate my opinion that entertainers should not be paid too much money because it results in negative consequences to the public. Moreover, workers with high academic qualifications and work in dangerous environment ought to receive higher payment due to their dedication to the community.
3. Why this essay got 6.5: the four criteria one by one
What follows is my own analysis against the public IELTS band descriptors. Given TR and CC at 6 and LR and GRA at 7, I think the main losses were in the relevance of the reasons, the development of ideas and the links between paragraphs.
| Criterion | Score | What the descriptor stresses (paraphrased) | Evidence in this essay |
|---|---|---|---|
| Task Response | 6 | Band 6: addresses all parts, though some more fully than others; some main ideas are inadequately developed or not fully relevant. | Both Q1 reasons are about entertainers’ influence and never argue that their pay is too high; Q2 lists three jobs per type and develops none of them. |
| Coherence & Cohesion | 6 | Band 6: organised, but cohesive devices can be mechanical; referencing is not always clear. | The “it” in “it impacts negatively” in the introduction has no clear reference; there is no link between Q1 and Q2; “In other words” introduces new information. |
| Lexical Resource | 7 | Band 7: some less common vocabulary, awareness of collocation, occasional errors. | distort the values, extravagant lifestyle, academic qualification, dedication to the community. Errors: gain payment, bahaviors, Polices, get injury, competent professions. |
| Grammatical Range & Accuracy | 7 | Band 7: a variety of complex structures; many error-free sentences. | Relative clauses and participle clauses such as “When being aware that…”. Errors: jobs require … should, need to paid, those work in. |
Task Response 6: sensible reasons, but not the reasons this question wants
For Q1 I chose “agree” and gave two reasons. First, celebrities distort the public’s values and make people overemphasise appearance and a luxurious lifestyle. Second, when young people see that fame brings money, they stop wanting to study.
Each reason sounds reasonable on its own, but try asking one question: if entertainers’ pay were cut in half, would these problems disappear? Probably not. Celebrities’ looks and lifestyles would still influence the public, and young people would still want to be famous. In other words, what these two reasons really criticise is “celebrities’ influence” or “celebrity culture”, not “being paid too much”.
The second reason is slightly better than the first, because it at least mentions that “being famous can earn a certain amount of money”, which is about income. But the next part, “youngsters do not want to focus on their schoolwork anymore, further leading to lower labor productivity”, is a big jump. It goes straight from “knowing fame pays” to “young people stop studying” to “lower labour productivity in the future”, skipping several steps. And “youngsters” as a subject covers all young people, which is an overgeneralisation.
So what would a reason tied to “is the pay too high?” look like? The most direct one is that pay is out of proportion to contribution: a footballer may earn in one season what a nurse earns in a lifetime, yet the nurse contributes no less to society. That comparison actually answers “too much money”. Another angle is the message the pay structure sends: when income is decided by popularity rather than by skill or contribution, society is effectively encouraging everyone to chase fame. Framed that way, my original idea that “young people stop studying” can be brought in as well, and it becomes a point with a clear cause and effect.
Task Response 6: list-style examples in Q2
For Q2 I gave two types of jobs: jobs that require high academic qualifications, and dangerous jobs. That classification is good in itself. The problem is the examples. “doctors, professors, and lawyers” and “Polices, firefighters, and soldiers” each list three jobs, but none of them is developed. The reader only learns that “these jobs are demanding or dangerous” and never sees a concrete picture.
The TR band descriptors put a lot of weight on ideas being extended and supported. Listing three jobs looks like a lot of information, but each one is just a name with no extension. It is better to pick one job and explain clearly why it deserves high pay: doctors train for more than ten years, make decisions that affect people’s lives every day, and high pay helps keep talented people in the profession. One example explained properly is far more convincing than three names.
Also, the Q2 paragraph has no connection with Q1 at all. “Besides entertainers, two types of jobs need to paid highly” simply changes the subject without saying why these jobs deserve high pay more than entertainers do. If I had added a transition here, for example “rather than giving the money to the entertainment industry, it should go to jobs that contribute more to society”, the two answers would have become one complete argument instead of two separate mini-essays.
Continue reading · Part 2 of 3
IELTS Notes in English · Band Score Samples (post 10 of 19)
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✦ Target Your Future
Some days you practise for hours and the score still does not move. I hope these notes remind you that the setbacks are part of the road: every recording you replayed, every essay you rewrote and every sentence you finally dared to say is progress you have already made.
I wrote this down so the next person can take fewer detours. You do not have to follow my method exactly. Find a rhythm that works for you, rest when you need to, and come back for the next small step.
I hope what you take away is more than a number on a score report: a little more confidence in yourself, and the courage to step a bit closer to the world.
— Ting
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