In this post: The question and background, my unedited 7.5 essay, and why it got TR 8, CC 8, LR 8 and GRA 7.
Band 7.5 Sample: Achieve Anything · 3 parts
- 1. Question, essay and scores (you are here)
- 2. LR 8 vocabulary and errors
- 3. Rewrites, patterns and practice
✦ In this post
I wrote this essay on 1 July 2024, using a prompt from Cambridge IELTS 15, Test 4. By then I was in the last few days of my intensive practice period: the next day, 2 July, was the final batch of essays I sent for marking. This one (Essay 43) scored TR 8, CC 8, LR 8 and GRA 7, for an overall 7.5. It was also the only essay in that whole period where LR reached 8.
Across the fifty or so essays I wrote during that time, my LR (Lexical Resource, i.e. vocabulary) was almost always 7. That makes this essay worth taking apart: which words actually pushed LR up to 8? At the same time, I want to be honest that it still contains plenty of the stock phrases I used in almost every essay, so LR 8 does not mean the vocabulary was perfect. Finally, I had filed this question under “Outweigh” in my notes, but it actually only asks for advantages and disadvantages. I will explain that difference too.
1. The question and background
The question, in short: in some cultures, adults often tell children that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
| Item | Details |
|---|---|
| Source | Cambridge IELTS 15, Test 4 |
| Question type | Advantages and Disadvantages (the question does not ask for an opinion) |
| Date written | 1 July 2024 |
| Time taken | 15:00–15:41, about 41 minutes |
| Length | 323 words (my own count at the time) |
| Advantages | 1. Children dare to pursue the dreams they really care about; 2. It unlocks their potential |
| Disadvantages | 1. They ignore the possibility of failure, which can lead to financial loss; 2. They are not mentally prepared, which can lead to depression and other mental health problems |
My outline before writing
My notes still contain the keyword outline I wrote before I started: advantage 1, it motivates children to work hard; advantage 2, it unlocks their potential. Disadvantage 1, they don’t know they might fail → they can’t cope with pressure; disadvantage 2, once they understand reality → some may develop depression or other problems → it harms their mental health.
Comparing the outline with the finished essay, two things changed while I was writing. Advantage 1 moved from “it motivates children to work hard” to “children dare to choose the dreams they are truly interested in”. That made the argument deeper, so it was a good change. Disadvantage 1, on the other hand, moved from “they can’t cope with pressure” to “financial loss”, and the original “pressure” point was shifted into disadvantage 2. This last-minute change explains why initial investment suddenly appears in disadvantage 1, and why the subject jumps from children to adults: the outline never contained that chain of cause and effect, so the bridging step was easy to leave out.
“Advantages and disadvantages” is not the same as “Outweigh”
In my notes, this question sat with the Outweigh questions, because both require you to write about advantages and disadvantages. But if you read the question carefully, it only asks What are the advantages and disadvantages. It does not ask whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, and it does not ask for your opinion. So this essay only needed to explain the advantages and disadvantages clearly; not taking a side fully meets the requirements of the question.
| How the question is phrased | What you need to do | Does the conclusion need an opinion? |
|---|---|---|
| What are the advantages and disadvantages of …? | One paragraph of advantages and one of disadvantages, two reasons each | No (you can simply summarise both sides) |
| Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? | Write about both, and explain which side weighs more | Yes, always, in both the introduction and the conclusion |
| Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your opinion. | One paragraph on each side plus your own view | Yes, usually in the introduction and the conclusion |
2. Scores and the original essay (unedited)
The four criteria average 7.75, and the overall score is 7.5. Below is the version I submitted for marking, with every error kept.
The original essay as submitted, unedited (1 July 2024, 323 words)
It is true that some children are taught that their dreams will come true if they work or study hard. The purpose of this essay is to analyze both merits and demerits of this phenomenon.
There are some reasons why telling this to children seems to be beneficial. The primary one is that it motivates them to concentrate on finding real dreams, no matter how difficult those goals may be. In other words, when youngsters understand that they can successfully reach their goals in the future, it is possible that they will try to set up their goals that they are really interested in, instead of finding those easier ones. Another factor is that it boosts children’s potential. If children know that they can success after working hard, they will make an effort to enhance their capabilities and focus on their realms, further fostering their professions. Consequently, the ability of the younger generation will undeniably rise simultaneously, which increases the competitiveness of the society.
However, teaching children that their dreams will undoubtedly come true is sometimes disadvantageous. First and foremost, those people may encounter financial difficulties since they do not take the possibility of failure into consideration. Due to the fact that they are taught to keep working to reach their dreams, people lose the ability to evaluate the sides of getting loss. Therefore, they may need to undertake the big loss of their initial investment because of the inappropriate anticipation of the outcome. Secondly, it causes some mental illnesses like depression. It is readily apparent that if people do not know about the potential consequences, they do not prepare for the pressure they may meet, which negatively impacts people’s mental well-being.
In conclusion, there are both benefits and downsides of this situation. Teaching children this view can motivate them to find their real dreams and boost their full potential; nevertheless, it sometimes poses a financial burden and causes mental illnesses as well.
3. Why this essay scored 7.5: criterion by criterion
| Criterion | Evidence in the essay | My assessment |
|---|---|---|
| Task Response 8 | Two advantages and two disadvantages, each explained; the conclusion sums up both sides. It fully matches a question that only asks for advantages and disadvantages. | A full response. Disadvantage 1 skips a step between “children” and “investment losses”, and disadvantage 2 is developed rather briefly. |
| Coherence & Cohesion 8 | The primary one … Another factor … / First and foremost … Secondly …: the two body paragraphs mirror each other. | Each paragraph has a clear job. Within paragraphs, In other words, Consequently and Therefore move the logic along smoothly. |
| Lexical Resource 8 | no matter how difficult those goals may be, take the possibility of failure into consideration, initial investment, inappropriate anticipation of the outcome. | A wide range of vocabulary that expresses abstract ideas precisely; still some unnatural collocations such as evaluate the sides of getting loss, plus my usual stock phrases. |
| Grammatical Range & Accuracy 7 | A no matter how … concessive clause, Due to the fact that …, if …, they do not …. | Errors such as can success, a missing article in both merits and demerits, and their goals that they are really interested in. |
Task Response 8: answering exactly what was asked
Roughly, the Band 8 descriptor for TR says the response sufficiently addresses all parts of the task, with ideas that are extended and supported. My introduction, The purpose of this essay is to analyze both merits and demerits of this phenomenon, states what the essay will do without adding an unnecessary opinion. The two body paragraphs cover the advantages and the disadvantages, and the conclusion sums up with there are both benefits and downsides before restating the two points on each side. The whole essay answers exactly what the question asks, no more and no less.
The first reason in the advantages paragraph is particularly thoughtful. Instead of simply saying “this message motivates children”, it says “children will therefore dare to choose goals they are genuinely interested in, rather than picking easier ones”. That goes one layer deeper than “it motivates children to work hard”: what changes is how children choose their goals. The second reason, “unlocking potential”, then extends to the ability of the younger generation will … rise, moving from the individual to a whole generation.
Coherence & Cohesion 8: a familiar symmetrical structure
Roughly, the Band 8 descriptor for CC says information is sequenced logically, cohesion is managed well and paragraphing is appropriate. This essay follows the fixed structure of my later essays: the first sentence of each body paragraph says “there are reasons for this side”, then signposting words introduce two reasons, and each reason is followed by an explanatory sentence starting with something like In other words, If … or Due to the fact that …. The reader can find all four arguments very quickly.
GRA 7: the only criterion below 8
GRA 7 means a variety of sentence structures and many error-free sentences, but not few enough errors. Most of the errors here are word forms and articles, for example can success (should be succeed) and both merits and demerits (should be both the merits and demerits). None of them get in the way of understanding, but the number of them kept GRA at 7. Section 5 (in Part 2) lists them in detail.
Continue reading · Part 2 of 3
IELTS Notes in English · Band Score Samples (post 19 of 19)
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✦ Target Your Future
Some days you practise for hours and the score still does not move. I hope these notes remind you that the setbacks are part of the road: every recording you replayed, every essay you rewrote and every sentence you finally dared to say is progress you have already made.
I wrote this down so the next person can take fewer detours. You do not have to follow my method exactly. Find a rhythm that works for you, rest when you need to, and come back for the next small step.
I hope what you take away is more than a number on a score report: a little more confidence in yourself, and the courage to step a bit closer to the world.
— Ting
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