In this post: three of my own education essays, unedited, with their scores, what worked, what pulled them down and how I would rewrite them.
Education and Learning · 4 parts
- 1. Common questions and breadth arguments
- 2. Depth, gap year and collocations
- 3. My own paragraphs, broken down (you are here)
- 4. Worked example, mistakes and practice
4. Breaking down my own paragraphs: scores, strengths and how to improve them
The paragraphs below are the original, unedited versions I submitted for marking, with spelling and grammar mistakes left in. The analysis is my own, based on the public IELTS band descriptors.
Breakdown 1: university subjects (Cam18-2, discuss both views): TR 8, but CC only 6
Original: the first body paragraph (the other view)
Learning about other subjects is sometimes beneficial. First and foremost, learning comprehensive subjects makes students easier to adapt to changes in the workplace. For example, an increasing number of occupations, such as administrative workers, have been replaced since the development of technology; in this situation, workers who study different subjects are easier to find another job. Secondly, students can figure out whether they are interested in the main subjects they currently major in; this is extremely important because workers tend to work in related jobs in their whole career. To put it another way, learning other subjects grants students opportunities to access in knowledge in different realms, further checking their preference among different subjects.
What works: Both reasons stay close to the question (the benefits of studying other subjects), and each has its own direction: one is about the workplace, the other about interests. The essay’s position is clear from the introduction and both views are developed, which is why Task Response reached 8.
The main problem is coherence: the second reason runs “claim → why it matters → to put it another way”, but what follows “To put it another way” is not a restatement; it adds a new mechanism (access to different fields). The reader feels the sentences are going round in circles. Also, after the first reason’s example (“administrative jobs being replaced”), there is no sentence linking the example back to the point, so the paragraph stops on the example.
Language: “makes students easier to” and “workers … are easier to find another job” are the same mistake: the subject of “easy” should be the task, not the person. “access in knowledge” has an extra “in”.
Rewrite (the second reason)
Secondly, taking courses outside their major allows students to find out whether they are genuinely interested in their main subject. This matters because most people stay in a related field for their whole career, so a wrong choice at eighteen can be costly. By attending a few classes in other disciplines, students can compare different fields before committing to one, which reduces the risk of regretting their decision later.
I changed three things: (1) I turned “why it matters” into cause and effect (a wrong choice → a high cost); (2) I replaced “To put it another way” with a real mechanism sentence (By attending…); (3) the last sentence links back to the point (reducing the risk of regret). That is a complete Point → explanation → result.
Breakdown 2: practical skills, for and against (agree/disagree): same question, two positions, both Band 7
I wrote this question once from each side, and the four criterion scores were identical: TR 8, CC 7, LR 7, GRA 7. This pair is well worth studying: the position itself does not affect the score; what matters is whether the position is clear and whether you push it all the way through.
Original: first body paragraph of the “agree” essay
The main reason I think school children should learn practical skills is that these skills are so useful that may provide a wide range of career choices. In other words, those practical skills grant school children opportunities to pick up some indispensable capabilities, further fostering competent professions in the workplace. The ability to give a public speech, which needs communication and organization skills, is a good example of this matter. An array of jobs like teachers, sales, and lawyers undeniably should be proficient in talking in the public. Therefore, learning practical skills along with academic knowledge at school positively impacts the children’s careers.
Original: second body paragraph of the “disagree” essay
I strongly disagree with the opinion that practical skills should be assigned in schoolchildren’s daily schedule due to the extremely high expenditure. To put it another way, when teaching schoolchildren practical knowledge, the authorities are required to pay a number of money to teachers and purchase the materials, posting financial burdens to schools. For instance, it is readily apparent that the price of car maintenance is absolutely high owing to the scarcity of lecturers and teaching materials. If the schools authorities overemphasize the courses of practical skills, the budget allocated to other academic curricula will undeniably decrease. Hence, practical skills are not necessary to be put on schoolchildren’s timetables when we put the expenditure and benefits into consideration.
What works: Both paragraphs have all four steps: topic sentence → explanation in other words → example → a closing “Therefore” / “Hence”. What is especially good in the “disagree” paragraph is the second-to-last sentence, which pushes “the classes are expensive” on to “the budget for other subjects will shrink”. That is a genuine consequence, not just a repetition of “it’s expensive”.
What could be improved:
- The example in the “agree” essay, public speaking, is really a soft skill, not the kind of life skill the question mentions (car repair, money management). When the question gives examples, it is best to choose an example of the same kind; otherwise the examiner may see it as drifting slightly off the question.
- In the “disagree” essay, the example “the price of car maintenance is absolutely high” only restates the claim and gives no concrete picture. “It needs a dedicated workshop, tools and qualified mechanics” would be more convincing.
- Language: “so useful that may provide” is missing the subject “they”; “sales” should be “salespeople” when it refers to people; “a number of money” should be “a large amount of money”; and “posting” is a misspelling of “placing”.
Breakdown 3: gap year (pros and cons + opinion): content 7, language 6
Original: the disadvantages paragraph
The option of choosing to engage in gap years sometimes is disadvantageous. The first situation is that it is difficult for those students to find suitable jobs due to a lack of competent professions and academic qualifications. Conversely, they tend to work for jobs that are in dangerous environment and do not get fair salary, undeniably leading to an unfairness. Additional negative consequence is regarding financial burden, especially for those choose to travel instead of keeping studying. Since students do not have full-time jobs, it is difficult for them to afford the expenditure of accommodations, transportation, and the tickets for destinations.
The content is fine: both disadvantages (it is hard to find a good job; travel is expensive) are relevant, and there are concrete types of spending. Task Response 7 is reasonable.
The score was pulled down by the language: “Conversely” means “on the contrary”, but here I wanted to express a result (they cannot find good jobs → they end up in dangerous, low-paid work), so it should be “As a result”. “competent professions” should be “competence” or “skills”; “unfairness” is uncountable, so it takes no “an”; “those choose” is missing “who”. The essay also had recurring misspellings such as “leaved students” and “mental well-bring”, so both Lexical Resource and Grammar landed on 6.
Rewrite (the third sentence)
As a result, many of them end up in low-paid or even unsafe jobs, which can hardly be called valuable experience.
Use one linking word wrongly and the whole logic flips. The full criterion-by-criterion analysis is in the Band 6.5 gap year sample.
Continue reading · Part 4 of 4
IELTS Notes in English · Topic Guides (post 1 of 10)
Next →: IELTS Task 2 Topic Guide: Work and Careers
Task 1 Structure · Task 2 Structure · Topic Guides · Writing Language · Band Score Samples · Practice Methods · Speaking & Study Tips
✦ Target Your Future
Some days you practise for hours and the score still does not move. I hope these notes remind you that the setbacks are part of the road: every recording you replayed, every essay you rewrote and every sentence you finally dared to say is progress you have already made.
I wrote this down so the next person can take fewer detours. You do not have to follow my method exactly. Find a rhythm that works for you, rest when you need to, and come back for the next small step.
I hope what you take away is more than a number on a score report: a little more confidence in yourself, and the courage to step a bit closer to the world.
— Ting
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