In this post: Two rewrite examples (including an Outweigh-style conclusion), a structure and sentence patterns for advantages/disadvantages questions, a self-check list and three practice tasks.
Band 7.5 Sample: Achieve Anything · 3 parts
- 1. Question, essay and scores
- 2. LR 8 vocabulary and errors
- 3. Rewrites, patterns and practice (you are here)
✦ In this post
6. Rewrite examples: the disadvantages paragraph and an Outweigh-style conclusion
The versions below are my rewrites now, labelled “Rewrite example”. They are not what I submitted at the time.
Rewrite example 1: the disadvantages paragraph
[Rewrite example]
However, this message can also be harmful. First, children who believe that effort always leads to success may grow up without learning to assess risk. As adults, they might put all their savings into a business or a long training programme without considering what will happen if it fails, and end up facing serious financial difficulties. Secondly, the message can damage young people’s mental health. When hard work does not produce the promised result, which is inevitable at some point in life, they may conclude that the failure is entirely their own fault. This sense of personal inadequacy can lead to anxiety or even depression.
- Adding grow up and As adults bridges the jump from “children” to “investment”.
- evaluate the sides of getting loss becomes assess risk, and undertake the big loss becomes facing serious financial difficulties.
- Disadvantage 2 now includes the missing middle step, “blaming themselves for failure”, so the cause of the mental health problems is complete.
- The stock phrase mental illnesses like depression is replaced with a sense of personal inadequacy and anxiety or even depression.
Rewrite example 2: if the question were an Outweigh question
If the same situation were turned into a question asking whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, the conclusion would have to take a position. Here is an example conclusion; compare it with the conclusion in the original essay (in Part 1):
[Rewrite example]
In conclusion, telling children that they can achieve anything has clear benefits, as it encourages them to pursue meaningful goals and develop their abilities. However, it can also leave them unprepared for failure. On balance, I believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, provided that parents also teach their children that setbacks are a normal part of trying.
This conclusion adds two elements: On balance, I believe …, which states a clear position, and provided that …, which adds a condition. That conditional clause is a very useful technique for Outweigh questions: it makes your position less absolute while also responding to the problem raised in the disadvantages paragraph. The original question did not ask for an opinion, so the original conclusion, which simply sums up both sides, was the right approach.
7. Structure and sentence patterns for advantages/disadvantages questions
A four-paragraph structure
| Paragraph | What to do | In this essay |
|---|---|---|
| Introduction | Paraphrase the question and say you will analyse the advantages and disadvantages (no opinion needed if the question doesn’t ask for one) | It is true that … The purpose of this essay is to analyze both merits and demerits … |
| Body 1 | Advantages: two reasons, each explained or extended | Daring to pursue real dreams; unlocking potential |
| Body 2 | Disadvantages: two reasons, each explained or extended | Ignoring the risk of failure; psychological pressure |
| Conclusion | Sum up the two points on each side | In conclusion, there are both benefits and downsides … |
Sentence patterns to take away
It is true that … . This essay will examine both the advantages and disadvantages of this.
There are several reasons why … seems beneficial. The primary one is that …, no matter how … .
However, … can also be harmful. First, … may grow up without … . As adults, they might … .
When … does not …, which is inevitable at some point, they may conclude that … .
In conclusion, … has clear benefits, as it … . However, it can also … .
Precise vocabulary for this question
| To express | Suggested wording |
|---|---|
| Pursuing goals | pursue a goal, aim high, set ambitious goals |
| Assessing risk | assess the risks, weigh the potential costs, take failure into account |
| Suffering losses | suffer heavy losses, lose a large part of their savings |
| Dealing with setbacks | cope with setbacks, bounce back from failure, resilience |
| Unrealistic expectations | unrealistic expectations, a false sense of certainty |
| Self-blame | blame themselves, a sense of personal inadequacy |
FAQ
| Question | My view |
|---|---|
| Can I give my opinion in an advantages/disadvantages essay anyway? | Yes. Adding one sentence of opinion in the conclusion won’t lose marks, but when the question doesn’t ask for it, leaving it out is completely fine. If time is tight, save your energy for the body paragraphs. |
| Do I need the same number of advantages and disadvantages? | I suggest two of each, at roughly equal length. The question asks about both sides; if you only write about one, or one side is clearly thin, TR will suffer. |
| Do I need very academic words to get LR 8? | No. The key is precision: where you need to express an abstract idea, use a phrase that fits it exactly. The high-scoring wording in this essay is really just combinations of common words. |
| If I delete all my stock phrases, will I fall short of the word count? | The words you free up by deleting stock phrases are exactly what you need for bridging sentences and cause-and-effect chains, which help TR more. |
8. Self-check list and practice
✦ Self-check after writing an advantages/disadvantages essay
- ☐ Does the last sentence of the question contain outweigh or give your opinion? If so, you must take a position.
- ☐ Do the advantages and disadvantages each have a full paragraph, with two reasons each?
- ☐ Is the subject of each paragraph consistent? Did you jump from “children” to “adults” without a bridge?
- ☐ Is the cause-and-effect chain complete for each reason, especially the shorter one?
- ☐ Did you use nominalisation or precise phrases to express abstract ideas?
- ☐ How many times do stock phrases like simultaneously, undeniably and readily apparent appear?
- ☐ Is every modal verb (can, will, may) followed by the base form of a verb?
- ☐ When both … and … is followed by specific nouns, did you add the?
- ☐ Have you used nouns such as loss, success or analysis as if they were verbs?
Practice 1: find your stock phrases
Put your last five Task 2 essays side by side, find the phrases that appear in every one, and list them in a table. For each phrase, write down two alternatives, or decide whether it can simply be deleted.
Practice 2: add a bridging sentence
The first sentence of disadvantage 1 in the original essay is those people may encounter financial difficulties since they do not take the possibility of failure into consideration. Add one sentence before it that moves the subject naturally from “children” to “adults”.
Practice 3: turn it into an Outweigh essay
Suppose the question became Do the advantages of giving children this message outweigh the disadvantages? Rewrite the second sentence of the introduction so that your position appears from the start. Hint: you can use the pattern Although …, I believe ….
This was one of the essays from the last few days of my intensive practice, and the only one where LR reached 8. Looking back, what it taught me is that LR 8 doesn’t necessarily need difficult words; it needs the right word in the places that matter. If your LR is also stuck at 7, start with two things: delete your stock phrases, and put at least one phrase that “precisely describes an abstract idea” in each body paragraph.
Further reading
- How to check your IELTS sub-scores and understand the four writing criteria (in Chinese)
- Tutor Ali: simplifying my essay structure, from 400 words down to 300 (in Chinese)
- My successful IDP re-mark: writing from 6.5 to 7.0 (in Chinese)
- Former examiner Farid: lessons with live speaking and writing feedback (in Chinese)
- All my IELTS preparation notes (in Chinese)
This is the last part of “Band 7.5 Sample: Achieve Anything”. To start again, go back to Part 1.
IELTS Notes in English · Band Score Samples (post 19 of 19)
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✦ Target Your Future
Some days you practise for hours and the score still does not move. I hope these notes remind you that the setbacks are part of the road: every recording you replayed, every essay you rewrote and every sentence you finally dared to say is progress you have already made.
I wrote this down so the next person can take fewer detours. You do not have to follow my method exactly. Find a rhythm that works for you, rest when you need to, and come back for the next small step.
I hope what you take away is more than a number on a score report: a little more confidence in yourself, and the courage to step a bit closer to the world.
— Ting
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