In this post: The small LR and GRA errors that kept this essay from 8, then a side-by-side comparison with my band 6 essay of the same type, written a month earlier.
Competition or Cooperation, Band 7.5 · 3 parts
- 1. Question, essay and scores
- 2. Small errors and the band 6 comparison (you are here)
- 3. Rewrites, patterns and practice
✦ In this post
4. What kept it from 8: small errors in LR and GRA
| Original | Problem | Suggested version |
|---|---|---|
| believe that competitive environment at school | Singular countable noun with no article | a competitive environment |
| foster a person’s biggest potential | potential usually goes with full, not biggest | help people reach their full potential |
| motivates people to hard-working | hard-working is an adjective; it cannot follow to as a verb | motivates people to work hard |
| people should dedicate to their work | dedicate needs a reflexive pronoun | dedicate themselves to their work |
| If most of people endeavor | most of must be followed by a determined noun (most of the people) | If most people work hard |
| will increase undoubtedly | Unnatural adverb position | will undoubtedly increase |
| attractive for some reason | Wrong meaning: for some reason means “for a reason nobody knows” | attractive for several reasons |
| cooperating together | cooperate already means working together, so together is redundant | cooperation |
| more special and well-established | Unnatural collocation for describing a project | more creative and well-rounded |
| every member in a team | Preposition | every member of a team |
| getting mental illness like depression | Missing article; develop is more natural | developing a mental illness such as depression |
| making people dedicating on their work increase … | make takes the bare infinitive; dedicate goes with to; a gerund subject takes a singular verb | making people dedicate themselves to their work increases … |
The one I most want to flag in this table is for some reason. I meant to say “cooperation is attractive for a number of reasons”, but in English for some reason usually means “for some unknown or inexplicable reason”. So my sentence actually said “for some reason nobody can explain, cooperation is attractive”, which is the opposite of what I intended, since I was about to list the reasons. Errors like this, where you know every word but the combination means something else, are the easiest to overlook.
Repeated words
In addition, boost and enhance appear several times in the essay, the competitiveness of society appears twice, and potential is repeated as well. Repeating something once or twice is fine, but for LR 8 the descriptors expect “a wide range of vocabulary fluently and flexibly”. Using the same verb again and again makes the examiner think your range is limited.
| Used in the original | Alternatives |
|---|---|
| boost / enhance | strengthen, improve, develop, sharpen (for skills) |
| potential | abilities, talents, what they are capable of |
| the competitiveness of society | economic growth, innovation, national productivity |
| dedicate to their work | commit themselves to, put effort into |
What would TR 9 need?
TR is already 8, but two things could push it higher. First, the question mentions at work, at school and in daily life, and this essay only covers school and work; “daily life” is never touched. Second, Body 1 turns “competition” into participating in competitions (taking part in contests), whereas the question means competition more broadly: an environment where people compare themselves with and strive against each other. Neither point affects understanding, but responding precisely to every detail of the question is what band 9 requires.
5. What I changed between 6 and 7.5: side by side with my first essay
This is the most important part of the post. I took my first essay from 20 May (Cambridge IELTS 14, Test 1, overall 6) and compared it with this one. That question, in brief: when you are in a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or a shortage of money, some people think it is best to accept it, while others think you should try to improve it; discuss both views and give your opinion. Both questions are Discuss both views and both ask “how should you deal with your situation?”, so they call for the same kind of thinking.
Above are the criterion scores for the band 6 essay. To save space, I only quote the key sentences below; both essays are quoted exactly as submitted, unedited.
Comparison 1: the introduction
Band 6 (20 May): In the contemporary society, there are two views regarding encountering adversities. Considerable public debates surround on whether the merits of accepting a bad situation outnumber the demerits. As for my perception, the negatives of accepting poorer situation surpass the positives, and the reasons behind my perspective will be elaborated on in the following paragraphs.
Band 7.5 (19 June): Some individuals believe that competitive environment at school or in the workplace is beneficial, while others claim that it is better if we cooperate with others. The purpose of this essay is to analyze both sides of this argument, and explain why I believe that competition is more advantageous.
The band 6 introduction has three problems. First, it rewrites the question as “do the advantages of accepting a bad situation outweigh the disadvantages?”, but the question asks which of two approaches, accepting or improving, is better. The question has been quietly swapped for another one. Second, Considerable public debates surround on is a memorised template sentence, and surround on is not even correct English. Third, the last sentence only says that the reasons “will be elaborated on in the following paragraphs” without actually giving any. The band 7.5 introduction has just two sentences: the first reports both views as they are, and the second states what the essay will do and my position. It is much cleaner.
Comparison 2: does the topic sentence match the content?
Band 6 (20 May): An array of factors may contribute to why accepting a bad situation seems rather disadvantageous. First and foremost, it is readily apparent that the life after choosing the poorer situation will be easier because of lower competitiveness. …
Band 7.5 (19 June): There are some reasons why competition seems to be more beneficial. The main one is that competition can foster a person’s biggest potential at school and in the workplace. …
This is the key difference between the two essays. The band 6 topic sentence says it will give the disadvantages of accepting a bad situation, but the next sentence says that life becomes easier after accepting it, and then that you have more free time. Both of those are actually advantages. The topic sentence and the content contradict each other, the reader is left wondering which side the paragraph supports, and both TR and CC lose marks. In the band 7.5 essay, the topic sentence says “competition has benefits”, and the two reasons below really are benefits. It is so consistent that the reader does not have to think about it.
Comparison 3: does the example actually support the point?
Band 6 (20 May): For example, since fewer workers want to compete for those occupations with fewer salary, people who choose those jobs may not need to face comparisons and competitions with others.
Band 7.5 (19 June): For instance, when a team conducts some project together, their discussion includes different topics and views from a wide range of majors, which can definitely make the project more special and well-established.
The band 6 example tries to say “low-paid jobs have less competition, so they are easier”. But it is really about choosing a low-paid job, not about accepting a bad situation as the question says, and the reader has to work out the connection. The sentence also contains an error like fewer salary (salary cannot take fewer), which makes the examiner stop. The band 7.5 example is direct: the claim is “cooperation brings different ideas together”, and the example is “a team includes people from different majors, so the discussion produces more varied views”. No guesswork is needed between the claim and the example.
I think this is what many people around band 6 most often overlook: an example is not just “a situation that looks related”; it has to prove your topic sentence directly. After writing an example, ask yourself: “If the reader only saw this example, would they reach the conclusion in my topic sentence?” If the answer is “they would have to think about it”, the example is not close enough yet.
Comparison 4: summary of five aspects
| Aspect | Band 6 (20 May, 378 words) | Band 7.5 (19 June, 304 words) |
|---|---|---|
| Answering the question | Rewrote “accept vs improve” as “pros and cons of accepting”, drifting off the question | Both views presented as the question states them, with a clear position |
| Consistent position | Topic sentence says disadvantages, content gives advantages: a contradiction | Introduction, body and conclusion all point to “competition is better” |
| Introduction | Three sentences, mostly template, with no actual reasons | Two sentences: paraphrase + purpose + position |
| Examples | International cooperation, which hire workers … (should be corporation; the meaning is completely different) | A team project that brings together views from different majors: concrete and easy to picture |
| Length | 378 words: long, but much of it repetition and template | 304 words: comfortably over the 250-word minimum |
Looking at the two essays together, my biggest takeaway is this: going from 6 to 7.5, the vocabulary did not get harder. The words in the 7.5 essay, such as foster, endeavor and sense of belonging, were well within reach at the level of the band 6 essay. What really changed were three things: whether I answered the question as it was asked, whether my topic sentences matched the content, and whether every sentence moved the argument forward. All three belong to TR and CC, and those are exactly the two criteria that rose from 6 to 8.
Length is another clear signal. The band 6 essay has 378 words, more than 70 words longer than the 7.5 essay, but most of the extra words are template sentences and repetition. Writing more does not earn marks; it increases the chance of errors and squeezes your checking time. Simplifying my essay structure and cutting my essays from around 400 words to around 300 was a key point in my post about my tutor Ali (see Further reading at the end of Part 3), and the gap between these two essays is a good example of it.
Continue reading · Part 3 of 3
IELTS Notes in English · Band Score Samples (post 16 of 19)
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✦ Target Your Future
Some days you practise for hours and the score still does not move. I hope these notes remind you that the setbacks are part of the road: every recording you replayed, every essay you rewrote and every sentence you finally dared to say is progress you have already made.
I wrote this down so the next person can take fewer detours. You do not have to follow my method exactly. Find a rhythm that works for you, rest when you need to, and come back for the next small step.
I hope what you take away is more than a number on a score report: a little more confidence in yourself, and the courage to step a bit closer to the world.
— Ting
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