In this post: Rewrites of a body paragraph and the conclusion, the four-paragraph Discuss both views structure with sentence patterns, and a self-check list with three practice tasks.
Competition or Cooperation, Band 7.5 · 3 parts
- 1. Question, essay and scores
- 2. Small errors and the band 6 comparison
- 3. Rewrites, patterns and practice (you are here)
✦ In this post
6. Rewrite examples: a body paragraph and the conclusion
Below are versions I have rewritten now. They are marked “Rewrite” and are not what I submitted at the time.
Rewrite 1: Body paragraph 1
[Rewrite]
There are several reasons why competition is beneficial. The main one is that it pushes people to reach their full potential. When students know that their results will be compared with their classmates’, or employees know that promotions depend on performance, most of them put in extra effort and discover abilities they did not know they had. On a larger scale, this drive benefits society as a whole: companies that compete for customers develop better products and services, and the economy becomes more innovative as a result.
- biggest potential becomes full potential, a more natural collocation.
- “Taking part in contests” is replaced by students having their results compared and employees being promoted on performance, which goes back to what the question means by competition at school and at work.
- The second reason now extends from “making people work hard” to “companies competing produce better products”, replacing the competitiveness of society, which appeared twice.
- The errors hard-working, dedicate to and most of people are fixed along the way.
Rewrite 2: the conclusion
[Rewrite]
In conclusion, both competition and cooperation have their merits. On balance, however, I believe competition is more beneficial, because it gives individuals a reason to develop their abilities, and effective cooperation usually depends on team members who have already become capable through that process.
The original conclusion only says that competition is more beneficial because it develops potential and makes society more competitive. That simply repeats the reasons from Body 1 and does not explain why the benefits of competition outweigh those of cooperation. The rewrite does one more thing: it weighs the two sides against each other, pointing out that good cooperation needs capable members, and those abilities are often developed through competition. This one comparative sentence is the easiest way to gain marks in a Discuss both views conclusion, and it is also the part people most often leave out.
7. Discuss both views: structure and sentence patterns
The four-paragraph Discuss both views structure (your own side in Body 1)
| Paragraph | What it does | In this essay |
|---|---|---|
| Introduction | Paraphrase both views + state the essay’s purpose + give your position | Some individuals believe that …, while others claim that … . The purpose of this essay is to … |
| Body 1 | The side you support: two reasons, each with an explanation or example | Competition: reaching your potential, helping society progress |
| Body 2 | The other side: turn with However, again with two reasons | Cooperation: pooling ideas, a sense of belonging and mental health |
| Conclusion | Acknowledge that both sides have merits + explain why your side is better | In conclusion, both sides have merits. On balance, … |
Sentence patterns to take away
Some people believe that …, while others claim that … . The purpose of this essay is to analyse both sides of this argument and explain why I believe that … .
There are several reasons why … is beneficial. The main one is that … . Another factor is that … .
However, the option of … is attractive for several reasons. First and foremost, … . Furthermore, … .
In conclusion, both sides have merit. On balance, however, I believe that …, because … .
8. Self-check list and practice
✦ Self-check after writing a Discuss both views essay
- ☐ Does my introduction report the two views as the question states them, rather than turning them into a different question?
- ☐ Does my introduction give my position?
- ☐ Does each body paragraph’s topic sentence point in the same direction as the content below it? (If it says advantages, write advantages.)
- ☐ Do both sides get roughly the same space?
- ☐ Does my conclusion include one sentence that compares the two sides and explains why my side is better?
- ☐ Have I touched every area in the question (for example work, school and daily life)?
- ☐ Are there template sentences that would fit any question? Delete them if you can.
- ☐ Is my word count between 270 and 320? If it is too long, cut the introduction first.
- ☐ Have any “looks right” errors like for some reason, most of people or dedicate to crept in?
Practice 1: find the contradiction
Take a recent Discuss both views or Agree/Disagree essay of yours and read only the first and second sentences of each body paragraph. Does the second sentence go in the same direction as the first? If the first says “disadvantages” but the second talks about benefits, you have made the same mistake I made in May.
Practice 2: write a comparative conclusion
Using this question (competition vs cooperation), try writing a one-sentence conclusion that supports “cooperation is better” and compares both sides. Hint: you could start from “the benefits of competition are short-term, while those of cooperation are long-term”, or from “most modern work has to be done in teams”.
Practice 3: cut the template
Rewrite the band 6 introduction (the first paragraph in Comparison 1 in Part 2) in two sentences: the first reports the two views as the question states them, and the second gives the position. Then count the words. It should be about half the length of the original.
Looking back at these two essays, getting from 6 to 7.5 did not come from memorising more words but from writing each paragraph more honestly: whatever the topic sentence says, the paragraph delivers. I hope this comparison helps you find the step you most need to fix first.
Further reading
- My tutor Ali: simplifying my essay structure and cutting from 400 to 300 words (in Chinese)
- How to check your IELTS criterion scores and read the four writing sub-scores (in Chinese)
- My successful IDP re-mark: writing from 6.5 to 7.0 (in Chinese)
- Lessons with Farid, a former examiner: live feedback on speaking and writing (in Chinese)
- All my IELTS preparation notes (in Chinese)
This is the last part of “Competition or Cooperation, Band 7.5”. To start again, go back to Part 1.
IELTS Notes in English · Band Score Samples (post 16 of 19)
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✦ Target Your Future
Some days you practise for hours and the score still does not move. I hope these notes remind you that the setbacks are part of the road: every recording you replayed, every essay you rewrote and every sentence you finally dared to say is progress you have already made.
I wrote this down so the next person can take fewer detours. You do not have to follow my method exactly. Find a rhythm that works for you, rest when you need to, and come back for the next small step.
I hope what you take away is more than a number on a score report: a little more confidence in yourself, and the courage to step a bit closer to the world.
— Ting
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