In this post: Four things this essay did right, from a However contrast to a lean conclusion, then the overgeneralisation, the unreliable example, the Task 1 chart language and the error list that kept it from 8.
Global Food in Supermarkets, Band 7.5 · 3 parts
- 1. Question, essay and scores
- 2. What worked and what held it back (you are here)
- 3. Rewrites, ideas bank and practice
✦ In this post
4. What it did right: paragraph endings and contrast sentences
Done well 1: a However contrast that makes the reason more convincing
After its example, Body 1 adds one more sentence: However, if individuals choose to buy domestic goods, … the greenhouse effect will not be deteriorated. This sentence has a grammar error, but its function is very good: after saying what the problem with imports is, it says what happens if you don’t import, and the contrast gives the argument more depth. Many people write body paragraphs by stacking reasons in one direction. Adding one contrast sentence makes the paragraph read more like an argument than a list.
Done well 2: Body 2 has a clear mechanism
Body 2’s Since the demand of each product in a nation is limited, if an increasing number of foreign food imported, the competitiveness that local market needs to face will witness an upward trend simultaneously. is clumsy in its wording, but it explains an economic mechanism: demand is limited, so more imports mean less room for local products. An argument with a mechanism is more convincing than simply saying “imported food threatens local industry”, and that is one reason TR could reach 8.
Done well 3: a two-sentence introduction
Currently, residents from a number of nations can easily purchase food from other countries. I firmly believe that this is a negative development because … One sentence of paraphrase, one sentence with the position and two reasons. A big part of why I finished in 32 minutes is that the introduction and conclusion were both lean, leaving the time for the body paragraphs.
Done well 4: a conclusion that does just two things
The conclusion, In conclusion, I reiterate that easily purchasing exotic foods in supermarkets is a negative development. This is because it not only leads to pollution during transportation but also threatens the local food industry., does only two things: it restates the position and summarises the two reasons, without adding any new argument. When writing a conclusion, many people want to add “just one more thing”, for example suddenly suggesting what the government should do. That becomes a new, undeveloped argument and can actually cost CC marks. Although exotic could be a better word choice, this conclusion is very clean in function, and it uses not only … but also to vary the sentence pattern instead of copying the introduction.
| What it did right | Where in the essay | How to use it in other questions |
|---|---|---|
| Ending each paragraph with Therefore / Hence | The last sentence of both body paragraphs | Works for body paragraphs in any question type, but restate the topic sentence in different words |
| Adding a However contrast | The second half of Body 1 | After saying what the problem with doing something is, say what happens if you don’t |
| Stating the underlying mechanism | Body 2: Since the demand … is limited | Especially useful for economic and social questions: explain the principle first, then the result |
| A two-sentence introduction | Paragraph 1 | When time is tight, cut your introduction down to two sentences first |
5. What kept it from 8: word choice, grammar and overgeneralisation
Problem 1: always and overgeneralisation
This essay uses always twice: imported food always results in pollution and exotic products always post a threat to domestic food. The TR 7 descriptor mentions “a tendency to overgeneralise”, and always is the most typical signal of it. Imported food does not necessarily cause a lot of pollution (think of food brought overland from a neighbouring country), nor does it always threaten local industry (think of spices that are not produced locally at all). Replacing always with often, tends to or in many cases actually makes the argument stronger. Taiwanese factories lose the whole market share at the end of Body 2 has the same problem: “losing the whole market” is too absolute.
Problem 2: how reliable the example is
The example in Body 2 is that cheaper rice from China has threatened Taiwan’s industry since 1990. Looking back, this example has two problems. First, a specific country, product and year together make up a “historical fact” that would need checking, and even now I cannot say for sure whether it is accurate. The examiner will not look it up in the exam, but if they happen to know the situation was different, the essay loses credibility. Second, rice is grown by farmers, not produced in factories, so the wording does not fit the situation.
My advice: don’t use historical facts you are unsure of; use a hypothetical example instead. For example, “if supermarkets are full of cheap imported fruit, local fruit growers may lose their regular buyers”. Anyone can picture an example like this, it needs no fact-checking, and it supports the argument just as well.
Problem 3: Task 1 language creeping into Task 2
The sentence the competitiveness that local market needs to face will witness an upward trend uses witness an upward trend, a phrase for describing charts in Task 1. It works well in chart questions, but in an argumentative essay, describing growing competitive pressure, it sounds very unnatural. Also, competitiveness (the ability to compete) is not the meaning I needed here; it should be competition. At that time I was alternating between Task 1 and Task 2 practice, and trend phrases easily slipped from one into the other. If you also practise both task types together, check your Task 2 essays specifically for words like witness, an upward trend and reach a peak.
Problem 4: list of errors
| Original | Problem | Suggested version |
|---|---|---|
| residents from a number of nations | Unnatural preposition | residents of many countries |
| creates pollutions | pollution is uncountable | creates pollution |
| posts a threat (twice) | Spelling/word choice: the phrase is pose a threat | poses a threat |
| I consider this is a negative development | Sentence pattern with consider | I consider this a negative development |
| need a number of fuels or coals | fuel is uncountable when general; ships and planes don’t burn coal | require large amounts of fuel |
| greenhouse gas likes carbon dioxide will release | likes should be like; the gases are released (passive) | greenhouse gases such as carbon dioxide are released |
| leading to some environmental problems to our planet | Preposition | causing environmental problems for the planet |
| which are not necessary for long-distance international shipment | Meaning slightly off: what I meant is that they do not need to be shipped long distances | which do not need to be shipped long distances |
| the greenhouse effect will not be deteriorated | deteriorate is intransitive | the greenhouse effect will not worsen |
| exotic products | exotic suggests something from far away, unusual and special; it does not cover all imports | imported products |
| if an increasing number of foreign food imported | Missing verb; food is uncountable | if more foreign food is imported |
| far cheaper than that in Taiwan | Use those to refer back to a plural | far cheaper than those in Taiwan |
| importing food … sometimes lower the revenue | A gerund subject takes a singular verb | importing food … sometimes lowers the revenue |
Continue reading · Part 3 of 3
IELTS Notes in English · Band Score Samples (post 17 of 19)
← Previous: IELTS Task 2 Band 7.5 Sample: Competition or Cooperation? Reaching TR 8
Next →: IELTS Task 2 Band 7.5 Sample: Why Owning a Home Matters, a Two-Question Essay with GRA 8
Task 1 Structure · Task 2 Structure · Topic Guides · Writing Language · Band Score Samples · Practice Methods · Speaking & Study Tips
✦ Target Your Future
Some days you practise for hours and the score still does not move. I hope these notes remind you that the setbacks are part of the road: every recording you replayed, every essay you rewrote and every sentence you finally dared to say is progress you have already made.
I wrote this down so the next person can take fewer detours. You do not have to follow my method exactly. Find a rhythm that works for you, rest when you need to, and come back for the next small step.
I hope what you take away is more than a number on a score report: a little more confidence in yourself, and the courage to step a bit closer to the world.
— Ting
← Back to IELTS notes in English
Leave a Reply